I realized the other day that I need to find more pleasure in my every day life. In a normal day I really don’t do anything that makes me feel good/happy. I’m only doing things that I think I need to do. I should pause more and enjoy whatever I’m doing: warm shower, beautiful weather, tasty food, etc. 

I think the flip side of that is that I have some kind of dopamine deficiency. Maybe this is why I don’t enjoy things that other find intrinsically pleasurable: spending time with other humans, eating (I definitely have a drive to eat, just like I do to sleep and breath, but I don’t think I enjoy it like some other people do. Never had too much of a problem restricting certain foods. I don’t find sugar rewarding and pleasurable). I love things that chemically induce my brain to release more dopamine: coffee, alcohol, certain drugs. I always thought I like alcohol because of the disinhibition, but maybe what I really liked was the dopamine.

Or maybe what I liked at first was the disinhibition (why I never drank alone), but now it’s more for the dopamine (having a few glasses of wine after work). 

I bet if I could get on a combination of metformin and ritalin I would be effortlessly thin.

So I realized that the reason why I like to be alone so much is that I can put my mind on things where it is more comfortable than it is when I’m with other people. I can select the things where I put my mind (books, internet, music) where when I’m with other people I don’t have total control. 

I realized I love playing puzzle games because it puts my mind in a quiet comfortable place.

Maybe when my mind is better trained, I’ll be better at enjoying the time I spend with other people.



vatique replied to your post: *centers myself to metallica* fu…

i am a very poor person who chooses not to buy from forever21 (and similar). my (hand-me-down and goodwill) clothes are literally falling apart and i am always cold. what do i do to stay warm and covered, what is your advice.

Last night in meditation class the teacher really emphasized that meditation is keeping your mind with your body and not letting it wander off. Today during meditation I realized that I don’t trust my body and I do trust my mind.

But when has my body every let me down? When has it not done something that I wanted it to, except for being thin? (Well, and being allergic to everything and attracting every mosquito) My mind has played some horrible tricks on me and made me do things that I maybe shouldn’t have.

Why should I trust my mind so much and distrust my body? My body is strong and it tells the truth (at least more than my mind does). My mind is strong as well, but it’s reactive and tricky and likes to visit fantasy land more often than not.


10 Steps to Self Care


1. If it feels wrong, don’t do it.

2. Say “exactly” what you mean.

3. Don’t be a people pleaser.

4. Trust your instincts.

5. Never speak badly about yourself.

6. Never give up on your dreams.

7. Don’t be afraid to say “no”.

8. Don’t be afraid to say “yes”.

9. Resist the need to always have control.

10. Stay away from drama and negativity – as much as possible.

Source: Lessons Learned in Life

I find that as soon as I let one thought it, it’s really hard to stop the flow. I feel like I’m working very hard to not let that one thought it.

I find that sometimes I just replay things that have happened in the past, which is super boring. Sometime when I feel a way about something it’s good to sit with it for for a minute, but I’m usually examining events to see if I did or said something wrong, which is probably not productive. I don’t think I ever replay really nice moments.

Been also kind of marinating (outside of meditation) on why I need to put down other programmers. It is 100% out of insecurity and needed to prove myself in the hierarchy. This is not super useful. 

Anyway I really want to take the meditation class soon. If not this Saturday, than definitely next saturday.